


one day the rain will end

by complicatedcreation



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, Depression, Dissociation, Fluff and Angst, Gen, Hugs, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Mental Breakdown, Mental Health Issues, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-04
Updated: 2020-05-04
Packaged: 2021-03-02 02:28:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,144
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23997517
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/complicatedcreation/pseuds/complicatedcreation
Summary: It was on an early Saturday morning that Patton broke. Logan simultaneously makes things both worse and better.
Relationships: Logic | Logan Sanders/Morality | Patton Sanders
Comments: 11
Kudos: 94





	one day the rain will end

**Author's Note:**

> Takes place somewhere between ‘Moving On’ and definitely before ‘Learning New Things About Ourselves.’ Basically, this is a big feelings jam and pretty dialogue heavy. This was actually written way before, ‘Learning New Things About Ourselves,’ but I never got around to actually posting it. So, apologies if it doesn’t line up exactly with canon or with what characters would do now. And sorry if this is a little rusty as well. I have not written in a good while (hopefully that will change though!).
> 
> I should also probably mention that I love both Logan and Patton. I was just interested in exploring a different dynamic between them. This isn’t meant to be a story where one person is definitely in the wrong, as they both have their reasons for acting the way that they do. Personally, I think all of the Sides are very complex in their motivations and it’s hard to call any of them strictly bad/good. Anyway, enough rambling. Hope you find the story to be okay.  
> If you are struggling with depression/suicidal thoughts of any sort, you may not want to read this. Your mental health is more important than any story. If you are experiencing any sort of difficult feelings right now, perhaps consider calling/visiting either of these links: https://ibpf.org/resource/list-international-suicide-hotlines and https://www.7cups.com/ . Stay safe, everyone.

It was on an early Saturday morning that Patton broke. 

The moral Side sat in the rickety old wooden chair, basking in the lonesome quietness of the kitchen. His torso was slumped over the wooden table, heavy head lolled to the side, resting atop folded arms. Despite having his glasses on, the world around him was a monochromatic blur. 

Patton didn’t know how long he had been sitting there like that, but his hands were beginning to ache with the sharp, tickly feeling that a lack of blood circulation brang. He exhaled softly, observing how the gentle light of dawn had not yet streamed through the window, leaving him sitting in near darkness. 

After venturing from his room after having an especially rough nightmare (which he wasn’t going to think about), he had wanted to get a nice drink could help. Unfortunately though, his brain was a dumpsterfire, and got in the way of completing the task. So now here he was, sitting at the table with an untouched mug of hot chocolate, placed just to the left of him.

Also, his brain was screaming at him. Couldn't forget about that fun little detail.

_‘You’re a bad, bad person. Not only are you a hypocrite, but you’re also a liar. Why are you so stupid and selfish all the time?’_

Patton closed his eyes. He yearned to cry, or scream, or to feel _something_ ; Anything was better than the sad numbness strangling him alive.

_‘All you ever do is lie, lie, lie. How many times will it be until the others notice that you aren’t actually, “Feeling great, kiddo!” What will they say when they find out that most of your obliviousness has just been a mask? Or what about the fact that all you do is go around forcing your impossible standards on others, when you can’t even follow them yourself? How can you truly consider yourself ‘morality’ when all you do is hurt others?’_

__

__

_‘And who are you to cry and be sad, when there are others out there that have it way worse than you? You don’t even have anything to be sad about. Thomas has a good, stable life, with amazing friends, and a job that he loves doing. You’re just a selfish, entitled brat who can’t see all the good you have. Selfish, selfish, selfish...’_

He groaned into the table, wishing that he had brought his phone with him so he could at the very least check the time. While he would have been content to just sit at that table for the rest of his life until he died (could Sides die?), he knew that he would have to leave soon if he didn’t want the others finding him in such a state.

A small, (very very selfish and bad) part of him craved the idea of his family finding out about his horrible thoughts and maybe even comforting him. In his fantasy, they would tell him that they loved him no matter what and that they would be there to support him. They would check in on him and he wouldn't have to keep up a happy pretense all of the time. Yet, Patton was torn. He reasoned with himself that he couldn’t ever allow for that to happen. By talking to the others, he would be burdening them with his issues. He would probably make them cry or get mad. If there was one thing Patton didn’t want to do, it was hurting someone. So that was why he knew had to keep putting their wants and needs before his own at all costs. He had to be strong when the others were struggling. It would be selfish of him to do otherwise. He was supposed to take care of them, not the other way around.

Also, he may have been a little afraid of their reactions. Sure, in theory the others had agreed that they were there for him after the whole Moving On spectacle. However, saying that one was willing to do something, and actually applying it in practice, were two totally different things. Patton couldn’t help but feel like if he told them, "Yeah, I kinda hate myself and want to scream at all hours of the day," that they probably wouldn't take it very well.

There were many things Patton could put up with, but his own family hating him would be the final straw. He didn’t think he would have the strength to get back up after a blow like that.

Slowly, as if the action physically pained him, Patton blinked, (once, twice) and shifted to slightly extend his arm out towards the mug beside him. He gently traced a shaky finger along the outer edge of the ceramic cup, noting how the smooth material was frigid cold against his fingertips. He sighed heavily. Looked like his hot chocolate was cold chocolate now. 

Patton squinted at the cup, trying to make out the words and patterns that it had been so carefully decorated with.

The cup held a very special place in his heart. He still remembered the surprise of waking up on Father’s Day to a little giftbox sitting inconspicuously by his door. It was wrapped in shiny rainbow colored foil and had a red, purple, and dark blue bow on top. He’d picked it up, unwrapping the ceramic treasure carefully. He remembered crying as he came down for breakfast, seeing the rest of his family sitting at the table with a giant breakfast made already. He had later discovered that Roman had made the mug itself, while Virgil had been the one to decorate it with the drawings of pawprints and bones. Admittedly, Logan wasn’t very involved in the process, but he still took the time to write something on it. The corners of Patton’s mouth twitched upwards, as he had memorized what was written on the mug.

_‘You are the best. No bones about it!’-Roman_

_‘Thank you for helping us when life gets ruff.’-Virgil_

_‘I would not normally engage in something as childish as punning, but I suppose this is an exception. I am glad you are with us, Paw-ton.’_

_‘Happy PAW-ther’s day. We love you- your famILY’_

Patton swallowed against the hard lump forming in his throat. He honestly couldn’t even remember the last time that he had felt that happy. Most days, it felt like the only emotions he even had anymore were sadness, numbness, or agitation; Sometimes even a mixture of all three if he was having a really “good” day.

Patton licked his dry lips, thoughts becoming a muddled stream of, ‘Nobody will miss you. Your family hates you. Stab yourself. Shove a fork in the toaster. Put your head in the oven and burn yourself alive.’ 

He winced, as if he had been physically struck by the thoughts. The only reason he had even left his room in the first place was because he was afraid of doing something… regrettable. However, now that he thought about it, perhaps walking into a kitchen filled with several dangerous household appliances wasn’t the smartest decision.

Logan was right. He never was very bright.

Patton’s stomach suddenly gave a twinge of pain before gurgling obscenely. He pressed his hand to it, feeling oddly detached. When was the last time he had eaten, anyway?

The exhausted Side stood up, wobbling like a baby deer trying to take its first steps. As if being pushed by an unseen force, he made his way over to the drawer that held the utensils. His body trembled with adrenaline and his heart thrummed in his ears. 

_‘I’m just going to make myself something to eat. There’s no need to get nervous. It’s fine, I’m fine.’_

The world felt like it was going in slow motion, as he pulled open the drawer. He picked up a knife, observing the way the metal blade shined in the low morning light.

_‘What’s the point? Nobody loves you.’_

__

__

_‘You hurt Thomas. You are disgusting. You don’t deserve to be called morality.”_

_‘Terrible. You are lying to everyone you love. You deserve it.’_

 _‘THIS IS WHAT I DESERVE.’_

Patton held the knife dangerously to his arm, letting the cold blade rest against the flush of his skin. He shivered slightly at the foreign feeling, but made no effort to move. He had never actually harmed himself before, and he knew he should have felt more afraid, but right now he wasn't feeling much of anything.

All it would take was one little movement. One little accident... And then... He would be...

“...Virgil? Is that you?”

Patton yelped. He wasn’t sure if he was just tired or if something was seriously wrong (of course something was wrong), but he found that he was having a hard time placing who the voice belonged to. It sounded so familiar, yet also wrong. Sort of like he was underwater. Everything was too far away for Patton’s liking, he was drifting away from himself like a balloon. Yet, despite the feeling of flying (or falling), the knife in his white knuckled grip had not been discarded.

Patton thought distantly that if anyone had to find out about this, he would have preferred it to be Virgil. Virgil and him got along the best, and he knew that the anxious Side wouldn’t be mean about mental health issues. At least, he hoped so. However, considering that the person had asked him if he was Virgil, he assumed it was not his dark strange son. 

That left either Roman or Logan. Neither option was great, but Patton was really hoping it was Roman. The creative Side would probably notice that something was off (because who just stands around in the kitchen in the dark, while holding a knife), but he would never push Patton to talk about anything. He loved escapism probably just as much as Patton did.

Patton swiveled around slowly, heart sinking when he saw the silhouette of someone whose glasses were glinting in the low light.

The kitchen light was flipped on before Patton could even blink. He winced as the sudden fluorescent brightness lit up the kitchen. Dang, he really should get new bulbs for the kitchen. The sickly yellow light coming from up above made the kitchen look like some sort of apocalyptic bunker.

Patton squinted, seeing Logan standing in the doorframe. His eyes looked over Patton. For a split second, the emotional Side thought he saw something flash in Logan’s eyes (was that fear?), before the logical Side settled on his more neutral expression. 

“Patton?" he questioned. "What are you doing in the kitchen at this early hour? And in the dark, as well?” Logan spoke, eyes darting down to Patton’s hand. “Why are you holding a knife?”

Patton tried to ignore the way his heart was pounding in his chest. He knew how bad this must have looked to the other Side. A quick passing thought of, ‘How dare he interrupt me?’ flashed into his head before Patton violently shook it out. Now was not the time to be having thoughts of that nature. 

“Ohhhh, hey Logan. Well, I was just about to...” Patton trailed off, trying to avoid eye contact with Logan. He knew he had to think of something quickly before Logan put the pieces of the puzzle together. 

_‘Come on, dummy. Think!’_

“To, uh… To make some toast!” he finished, injecting some peppiness into his tone. Logan said nothing, only causing the moral Side to become more flustered. Patton hoped it was just because the logical Side was tired, and not because he had figured it out.

_‘He hadn’t done anything wrong though. He wasn’t guilty, he wasn’t guilty, not yet, not yet…’_

Patton tried his best to ignore the firm gaze on his back as he reached into one of the cabinets overhead. He managed to retrieve a jar of Crofter’s jam and a bag of bread with relative ease.

“See?” Patton said, placing everything down on the kitchen table. Logan’s stare was now fixed on the abandoned mug of cold chocolate next to the other food items.

The two stood in the silence for a moment before Patton found the energy to plaster on a big smile. It felt awkward and wrong, but he hoped it at least looked more convincing than it felt.

“Do you want me to make you a ‘berry’ good breakfast, Logan? It’s going to be a real ‘jam’.”

Patton popped the lid off of the jam jar and stuck his pointer finger in with a smirk. Logan’s frown deepened, although it appeared to be more from disgust than worry now. Patton held up his finger in front of his face, examining the purple goo now stuck to his finger. He winked.

“What’s with the face, Lo? Are you feeling “jelly”?”

Patton smiled a bit more genuinely, as he flicked the bit of jam at Logan. It nailed the other Side right on the cheek. Logan groaned, wiping away the purple substance with his hand.

“Really?” he said, crossing his arms over his chest. “Patton, I refuse to engage with you while you are exhibiting such childish behavior. Could you please refrain from making such a mess this early in the morning?”

Patton froze. He wasn’t making a mess. In fact, he always considered himself someone who cleaned up messes, especially when the other Sides would fight. Always trying to keep the mood light by joking and playing dumb so that they would stop arguing to chastise him. It hurt sometimes when they talked bad about him, but it was always worth it. It didn’t matter if he was sad; What mattered is that everyone got along.

Still, he couldn't help the feeling of something bitter burning in the back of his throat. Patton drew in a deep breath, trying desperately to quell the feeling.

Patton's feelings towards Logan were complicated, to say the least. On one hand, he admired the Side for his intelligence and his ability to keep calm under pressure. He thought it was adorable when the other would ramble when he was excited about something (especially the stars or a book). He also thought it was amazing when Logan dropped the emotionnless pretense to help Thomas, or anyone, when they were having any cognitive distortions. All in all, Logan was an amazing guy, but...

But sometimes… Sometimes Patton couldn’t help but feel like Logan specifically hated him. He didn't know what he had done to make the logical Side act so condescending towards him, but it hurt. Patton really was trying his best. Yet, time after time, Logan would deem him unworthy. 

Patton’s smile somehow widened to cartoonishly large proportions. “Oh, Logan. It’s just a little jam.”

Logan groaned, pinching the bridge of his nose. “Patton, please. I just came down here to retrieve a cup of water. It is way too early to be dealing with your… Honestly, ridiculous behavior right now. So, if you would please-”

The worry from the logical Side’s face seemed to vanish, now being replaced by his usual annoyed expression. Logan gently pushed past Patton to go over to the sink. 

_‘He thinks you’re annoying. Of course he does. You are annoying. He hates you so much.‘_

Patton felt his eyes stinging. The white, hot flame of bitterness had come back with a vengeance, and it was almost too much for him to handle. Patton was burning, burning from the inside out. He couldn’t understand it though. It’s not like Logan had never said stuff like this before. Why was it only now that he felt so...?

How was he feeling?

He felt weird, like a soda bottle that had been shaken up too much. The pressure inside was almost too much to bear, yet he was sure to keep the cap on the lid tight. Unfortunately though, Logan had just pulled the cap off without a care in the world, and now... Well, he didn't know what was going to happen, but he was very afraid.

Patton knew that he needed to escape quickly before he did… something bad. He didn't know what was about to happen, but he could feel himself losing control with each passing second. He went to move his legs, but for some reason found he couldn’t. It was like they were fused into the kitchen tiles. His bones felt heavy with sorrow, but his chest was burning with something painful. It felt resentful and angry and Patton hated it, hated himself for even thinking such awful things about his friend. He opened his mouth to take in a breath, but the second he did so, he broke.

“...Sorry, but I’m the one with the ridiculous behavior here?” Patton started, somehow managing to keep his tone pleasantly light. “Logan, you are so silly sometimes.” 

Logan turned around, glass of water in hand. He yawned, seemingly oblivious to Patton’s distress. “I fail to see how what I said was funny. It was literally just an observation.”

“Oh, but Logan, I thought you knew everything. How can you not see it?”

This seemed to get the Logical Side’s full attention. He frowned. “Patton, what are you talking about?”

_‘Don’t say it. Stop, stop, stop!’_

But Patton knew he couldn’t. He was a hurricane, wanting nothing more than to scream and cry and destroy himself and everything else. He knew there was going to be collateral damage, but he was a force of nature that couldn’t be stopped with rationalization at the moment. 

“I just think it’s a little hilarious, because you know,” Patton started giggling uncontrollably. “At least I don't go around pretending to be some sort of emotionless robot all the time. You want to talk about ridiculous behavior: How about we talk about your inability to talk about your feelings at all? Or how about how you take out your feelings of insecurity on everyone by talking down to us as if we're just dumb kids? Why do you do that? Everyone knows that you are lying. Every Side has feelings. So, you can keep on pretending if you want, but you aren’t fooling anyone,” Patton laughed. It wasn’t funny at all, and he didn’t know why he was laughing so hard. Tears were starting to run down his face.

He hated that his tone made him think of Logan, every time the logical Side had mocked Patton as if he were dumb, as if he couldn’t possibly know anything. Most days Patton had taken it in stride because that’s what he was supposed to do. If he ever deviated from that, he would be a bad person. He was morality, he couldn’t be bad. Yet… Sometimes it was hard not to imagine what it would be like to retaliate. 

Somehow, it didn’t feel as good as he thought it would.

Patton regained control of himself for a moment and bit down on his tongue hard. The metallic twang of copper flooded his mouth. His breaths were coming out in quick gasps and he was sure that his face was red. 

_‘Why did you say that? What is wrong with you?’_

God, he couldn’t do this. It was too much. Every single negative thought that he had worked so hard to squash down about Logan was going to spill from his traitorous mouth. He was going to destroy everything and everyone was going to leave him. 

_‘Maybe you deserve to be alone though.’_

Patton risked a glance at Logan who, to his surprise, looked only mildly annoyed, as if he had just witnessed a child having a tantrum. 

“...Are you quite finished yet?” he drawled. 

Patton said nothing (he was so, so afraid to open his mouth again). Logan took his silence as an affirmative to continue.

“Hm, I think I see what’s happening here. You are letting your emotions get the better of you it appears. Did you have a bad night? After all, I was only stating a fact, and you reacted by lashing out. There is no need to lash out at me, Patton. I suggest perhaps taking some deep breaths to-.”

Patton then proceeded to cut off the other in possibly the most well thought-out, mature way that someone having an emotional breakdown could.

He _screamed._

It was a loud and terrible sound, the high pitched wailing reverberating throughout the kitchen. Patton wasn't sure how long he screamed for, but it felt like an eternity. Logan flinched, slamming his hands over his ears. 

“Patton!” Logan cried out. “What has gotten into you?” 

Patton distantly realized that he had started trembling. Logan set the glass of water down on the counter and reached an arm out towards the other.

“Patton, are you...Alright?”

“No, I can’t do this. Not now. No, no no no,” Patton muttered softly, shaking his head frantically.

Logan’s face was pinched. “I’m sorry, but could you please repeat that? You were mumbling and-”

Patton turned to face Logan, tears flowing down his cheeks. “I said no, okay?!”

Logan’s eyes widened, as he took a tentative step back, even though Patton made no effort to get any closer. 

“You… You always do this!” Patton wailed, covering his eyes with his hands. “You always dismiss me whenever I try to bring up anything! You treat me like I couldn’t possibly ever have good ideas, just because I think about the world differently. Because I’m “immature” and “silly.” Like what I have to say doesn’t matter.”

Patton dug his nails into the flesh of his palm. He was trying so hard to come back down into reality, but he couldn’t seem to stop. It was as if he was watching himself from the ceiling.

"Last time I checked, you’ve acted weird before too. You’ve played dress up and you have a unicorn onesie. Heck, you even did a musical about Crofters! Last time I checked, those things didn’t rank very high up on the list of mature adult stuff that someone does. I just…”

He paused, raking his hands through his hair. He was pretty sure he ripped out a few of the brown strands in the process. 

“How come it’s okay when you act immature, but it’s bad when I do it? It feels like you specifically pick on me a lot of the time for making jokes and trying to stop everyone from arguing. I try to be nice to everyone, Logan. I even pretend to be completely dumb, so you all can laugh at me!" Patton was hyperventilating. 

"But it’s so hard to keep giving it my all when you always look at me like I’m just a waste of space. No matter how hard I try to be nice to you… You just... I just… I don’t know what I’m doing wrong!”

Patton sobbed, hot tears and thick snot running down his face. He sniffled and coughed, wrapping his arms tightly around his body. Slowly, he slid down to sit on the kitchen floor with a dull thud. Patton could only imagine what horrible things the other Side was thinking about him right now.

_‘Weak, too emotional, better off without you.’_

“P-Patton,” Logan stumbled, seemingly at a loss for words. Somehow the half-hearted attempt to say something enraged the emotional side even further.

“Stop! Please, just leave me alone.”

“But I’m trying to-”

Patton slammed his hand on the ground, the loud sound startling the both of them. Weird, his hand didn't hurt, even though it was bright red. 

“Please, please, just leave me alone! I already know what you’re going to say. You’re going to tell me I’m being too emotional and that what I have to say doesn’t matter. You're going to say I'm crazy and too unstable, and that I don't deserve to be a Side. And maybe you’re right. Maybe it doesn’t matter, because I don’t matter. But I can’t right now, okay?”

All that could be heard in the kitchen was the sound of Patton’s ragged breathing. “I just can’t.”

Logan scowled. It was very apparent to the logical Side that this wasn't just Patton having a bad morning. Patton was having a mental health crisis. Unfortunately, Logan was not always the best at comforting others. he tried, but sometimes he fell flat.

Still, he couldn't just sit there and say nothing. He drew in a deep breath. “Patton, please listen to me. I realize that perhaps I haven’t gone about criticizing you in the best way-”

“-You think?” Patton snarled, cutting him off. Logan paused for a moment, seemingly shocked from the vitriol in Patton’s tone. Never in his life had he seen the kind, fatherly Side sound so angry.

Still, Logan looked Patton straight in the eyes. He just needed to explain himself and then everything would be okay again. Right?

“Patton, I never meant to… I just want the best for Thomas. You and I both know he prefers listening to you over myself,” Logan quickly averted his gaze, as if ashamed. “Instead of listening to me and pursuing his PhD, he went along with your idea to become an internet celebrity. And while this did work out in his favor, not every single one of those gut instincts you provide him with is something he should act on.” 

Logan tugged on his tie, continuing in the calmest voice he could muster.

“He needs structure sometimes, Patton. His life can’t all be fun and games. You have a large responsibility. Since he listens to you the most, probably even more so than Roman and Virgil, you have to try and be more mature. If not for yourself, then do it for him. You know, Thomas could get seriously injured, both physically and mentally if he is always goes along with what you are telling him. Please, try to listen to me. I do not mean to hurt you. I just want the best for us. And this? This lashing out is not healthy for anyone.”

And just like that, the fire was snuffed out. Patton felt winded, almost as if Logan had struck him in the gut with a baseball bat. He may as well have because damn, that hurt. The emotional Side drew his knees into his chest, weeping softly.

“...Patton? I am-”

“Gosh, I- What am I doing?,” Patton laughed miserably, wiping his face with his hands. It did little to wash off the mess that was his face. “Y-you’re right... I’m so so so sorry, Logan. I don’t know what’s wrong with me?”

Logan opened his mouth to speak, but Patton quickly interjected, afraid that the logical Side was going to answer that question. "I know I’m childish and a mess, but I’m really trying to be more responsible. It’s just... So hard sometimes. I can hardly even handle getting out of bed a lot of the time, much less do taxes or plan a healthy diet for Thomas.”

“You know that I want the best for him too. I know I have a lot of influence over him and I really do want to set a good example, but… It’s just a lot. Too much. I’m not very organized and I don’t know a lot of stuff. I don’t have all the answers he wants me to have. I really am trying though, Logan. You have to believe me.”

Logan’s eyes softened and he reached out to Patton once again. Patton was unfortunately not having any of it, and curled in on himself even further.

“I-I’ve been doing some thinking lately," he said into his lap. "Maybe, maybe it would be best to duck out before I do something that gets Thomas hurt. Plus, then you and the others could give him a better and healthier life. No more icky emotions ruining things. You, Roman, and Virgil are the most amazing Sides out there and I know you would do a great job. Thomas deserves to have a good life. I don’t want to hold him back anymore. I don’t want anyone else to get hurt because of me...”

Patton knew he must have looked pathetic, rocking himself back and forth on the kitchen floor, but he was having a hard time resisting the urge to get up and stick the knife still on the table into his beating heart.

Logan sighed heavily. “Patton.”

“No,” Patton said. “I get it, Logan. My feelings are annoying and inconvenient. Trust me, I have to deal with them everyday. I know it would be a lot better if I wasn’t here to drag Thomas down with them.”

“Like, remember when the breakup happened? It was me who was responsible for those horrible thoughts and feelings he was having. Even though he doesn’t act like it, I know my feelings are still affecting him daily. That he isn’t as happy as he claims to be. It’s all my fault. I’m such a fraud of a Side. I don’t deserve his trust and love.”

Fat tears rolled slowly down his cheeks, but he was too tired to care at this point. Logan had already seen him having a meltdown and his facade had been beyond destroyed at that point. There was no point in trying to pretend like it wasn’t happening. He just wished he could go back to his room and sleep forever.

“Sometimes it feels like I should just do everyone a favor and fade away.” 

And there it was. Patton didn’t know why he said it, but he couldn’t lie that the idea was looking more and more appealing with each passing day. He was so tired of being tired... Still, he couldn't help the wave of nausea that rolled over him over the realization of the fact that he had finally admitted his darkest thought aloud. And even worse, he had said it to the logical Logan.

Logan furrowed his eyebrows. If Patton looked hard enough, he swore he saw Logan’s eyes shining with unshed tears. “You don’t really believe that?” 

Patton wanted nothing more than to lie, to say that he was just kidding, that he was just being silly. But he knew that Logan would know he was lying. Patton felt like the scum of the earth for making Logan (confident, smart, knowledgeable Logan) sound so unsure and afraid. 

Patton suddenly felt a sturdy hand on his shoulder. He whipped his head up and saw that Logan was knelt down next to him. He had never seen the other look so… Upset before. Patton realized that he never wanted to see that expression on the other’s face ever again. He quickly closed his eyes, trying to pretend that he was anywhere else at the moment. 

“Patton. Listen to me,” Logan said firmly after a moment of silence.

Patton flinched as he felt something soft being pressed against his wet cheek. Afraid, he opened his eyes to the sight of Logan meticulously dabbing at his face with a tissue. 

“...H-Huh?” Patton felt his cheeks heat up. Logan immediately froze, placing the used tissue on the ground.

“Look, Patton. I think... A talk is in order.”

“You know, I am not the best with this emotional stuff... However, I never meant to imply that you were useless. I will admit that I don’t always agree with your methodology or way of thinking, but that doesn’t mean that you aren’t useful. Without you, Thomas would be...Well, I would prefer not to think about how worse off Thomas would be without your presence.”

Logan looked Patton in the eyes.

“You are essential to Thomas’ well-being. You make it possible for him to laugh, even on his worst days. You allow him to form meaningful bonds with others. You are his empathy and compassion. You make him strive to be a kinder and better person. You are... Good, Patton. Really, really good.”

“I guess… But I also make him depressed. And... I’m also too hard on him when he makes mistakes sometimes. I really try not to, but I just... I don't know. I don't know what to believe anymore.”

Logan sighed. “Well, yes... But Patton, none of us are perfect. Roman can make Thomas focus too much on a fantasy, which in turn can make him disconnect from reality altogether. Virgil has caused Thomas have panic attacks and isolate from his friends. You don’t blame them, do you?”

“What? Of course not!”

"Exactly. What matters is that you recognize these faults and are trying to improve."

Logan then paused, looking unsure. “I suppose even I have... Faults.”

Patton made a soft sound of acknowledgement, encouraging Logan to open up.

“I…” the logical Side trailed off, rubbing the back of his neck. “I suppose I want to be seen as important in the eyes of others. I’ve always thought that if Thomas focused on becoming more intelligent, it would make others see him in a better light. I will admit that I have made Thomas feel insecure for not being as smart or mature as I want him to be. For telling him that what he is doing isn’t good enough based on what other people think.”

“I may not be completely at peace with the path that Thomas has chosen, but that is more of an issue with myself, than it is with him. Thomas is fairly happy where he is right now and perhaps… I have been pushing him in a certain direction lately. All this time, I’ve been focusing on how I would like him to be more intelligent and organized so that he has skills for when he gets a “real” job. But now I realize that maybe I haven’t been listening to Thomas as much as I should have. Perhaps, I have been projecting a little. I wrongly assumed that Thomas needed to impress others by being more mature, and I took it out on you because it's not like he listens to m-”

Logan stopped abruptly, shaking his head.

“The point is that we all make up Thomas. We are all equally important, as we balance each other out. Without you, Thomas wouldn’t be himself anymore. You and I are two sides of the same coin. I know I can be stubborn and dislike admitting when I make a mistake, but I will make more of a conscious effort to be more constructive with my criticism in the future.”

Patton tilted his head to the side slightly, deep in thought. He knew Logan had been struggling, but he never realized how deep it ran. He couldn't help but feel awful that one of his best friends was having such a hard time.

“Oh Logan," Patton said. "Those feelings must have been really difficult for you to deal with all on your own. Thank you so much for trusting and sharing them with me. Your feelings are very important and I'm sorry I ignored them for so long. After all, there is a lot of pressure in our world to be seen as smart and important. It's sort of like... If you aren't mature enough, people will make fun of you. And we can all agree that Thomas is a bit of a kid at heart, which makes him even more of a target for those types of mean comments," Patton sighed. "But I think the most important thing to remember is that Thomas _is_ happy, for the most part. If other people make fun of him for his intelligence or for his job, then those probably aren't very nice people that Thomas would want to be friends with anyway. I know it's not an easy thing to think about though and I know you value intelligence. Maybe we can have another talk with him about learning something new or maybe even taking some online classes?"

Patton brightened at Logan's genuine smile. "I would like that. I would like that a lot," he stated. "Can it be Astronomy?"

Patton grinned. "You know Thomas loves Astronomy. I'm sure he would love that.

The two sat in a comfortable silence before Logan coughed slightly. “Erm… Patton?” 

“Yeah, Logan?”

“I was wondering if you would like something…"

Patton cocked his head to the side. "What do you mean?"

Logan looked away, bashfully. "I mean... A hug?”

Patton’s eyes turned into saucers. Logan was not a touchy side. He never had been. Patton found himself fidgeting slightly at the prospect of Logan forcing himself to comfort him when he maybe did not actually want to.

“Oh, no Logan. You don’t have to,” Patton responded quickly. 

Logan sighed, resting his warm hand over Patton’s. Patton was pretty sure he almost died right then and there. 

This couldn't be happening. He had to have been dreaming. There was no way that Logan, of all Sides, was holding his hand.

Yet, here they were.

Logan's stare intensified. “I really do not mind. I know that physical touch helps you to feel more at ease. I want to help you.”

Patton bit his lip, feeling like a monster for wanting Logan’s affection. He honestly felt like he didn’t deserve it. He had just said horrible things to the logical Side. He had thought even worse things about him. How could he deserve this kindness?

Still, Patton was never one to turn down physical affection. Especially after a crying spell. Well, not that any of the others had ever seen him after a crying spell, but that was besides the point.

“A-Are you sure?” Patton asked.

Logan smiled sadly, rubbing his thumb over Patton’s knuckle, slowly and methodically. “Very sure.”

Patton immediately jumped onto the other, clinging onto Logan like a koala. Sure, he had given Logan a side hug (once) before, but this felt so much nicer. Logan was an all-encompassing, calming presence. He smelled like books and warm coffee and autumn nights. Patton (selfishly) never wanted it to end. Logan experimentally wrapped his arms around Patton to reciprocate the embrace.

The two sat there for what felt like hours, relaxing in each other's warm embrace. The steady rhythm of Logan's heartbeat almost even lulled Patton to sleep. But Patton knew he couldn't just leave it at this. That wouldn't be fair to Logan.

“Hey, Logan?” Patton mumbled into Logan’s shoulder. “I’m really really sorry about yelling at you earlier. I shouldn’t have said that… That was horrible of me. You were just trying to help calm me down.”

Logan shifted slightly, but did not pull away, thankfully.

“Don’t be. I understand why you said all that. You felt as if I was attempting to shut you down again or brush off your feelings as insignificant. And considering your state of mind, it must have been quite frightening. Again, I would like to apologize for not taking it seriously when you were first exhibiting signs of mental agitation.”

Patton laughed weakly. Again, he didn’t know why he was laughing at something that wasn’t funny, but here he was. Logan seemed undisturbed and kept his hold on Patton tight.

“S-Still. I shouldn’t have said all that… I know that you don’t like talking about your feelings and I shouldn’t have been so rude about it. It was wrong of me to do that. I am sorry.”

“Well, I agree that it could have been worded better, but... I believe that I may have needed to hear some of it,” he rubbed Patton’s back in small circles. “You are correct in that I often do like to pretend I am emotionless. I loathe to admit it, but yes, unfortunately I do have feelings. I try to ignore them, as they are the bane of my existence. I suppose that as Logic, I have a hard time grasping how they work. They are not logical and tend to make me uncomfortable. Often times, I feel like I shouldn't even have emotions to begin with.”

“But Logan. You’ve said it yourself. We embody much more than just our main trait. It’s okay to feel things and have emotions.”

“And you were claiming that I was a hypocrite...”

“Yeah, well… Maybe we’re all hypocrites at this point,” Patton chuckled sadly. There was an uncomfortable pause before Logan let out a breath.

“You know, sometimes I believe that if I try hard enough, my feelings will finally disappear. I don’t want them, Patton. I didn't ask for them. They are… Disconcerting, to say the least.”

Patton nodded slowly. “I know. Trust me, I know... But I can tell you for a fact though that ignoring them like that never works. I’ve tried. You have to acknowledge them first in order to be able to work on them.”

“I suppose you are correct. Repression doesn’t work. May I confide in you about something? I understand if you aren’t feeling up to it th-” 

“Of course, Lo. You can always tell me anything. I want you to know that I’m here for you always.”

Logan nodded slowly. “Well, I suppose I have this issue that has been... Particularly frustrating.” 

“Yeah?”

“I wish- I mean… I don’t know how to say this, but I wish that I was... Cool? Is that the right word? You and Roman make socializing look so easy. Even Virgil knows when to relax and have fun. I want people to like me too, but it seems like my job as Logic means that I have to keep everyone in check. I’m not allowed to relax like the rest of you. I have to stay detached because if I get too close, I might not be able to do my job correctly. If Thomas were to get into a situation where he needed my intelligence, but he was feeling my emotions because I let my guard down... Well, that would influence him negatively, to say the least. I can’t fail him like that.”

“Then I have to deal with everyone’s, quite frankly, negative opinion about me. Thomas has explained that he believes the only reason I even visit him is to tell him he’s doing something incorrectly. Roman constantly taunts and teases me every chance he gets, and Virgil and I have gotten into several arguments. The fans don’t seem to like me much either apparently because I talk too much.” 

Patton could feel Logan quivering slightly against himself. Patton tightened the hug slightly, feeling Logan's trembling spell die down. Quietly, Logan said, “Even you teased me that one time. Infinitesimal, remember?”

Patton felt his eyes start to water again. He never even realized that the logical Side had been hurt by that.

“I am just… Tired. I don’t want to be the Side that keeps being left out of things because I’m too annoying and blunt. I really try to be unbiased when talking to the rest of you, but it is admittedly a challenge. I just want to share information, but it feels like everyone dislikes me for it. I don’t like it when everyone laughs at and ignores me. It makes me feel… Bad? So, then I lash out because it seems like acting like a know-it-all actually gets a reaction out of the rest of you.”

Logan’s cheeks were tinged red with embarrassment and Patton could feel shame radiating off of him in waves.

“S-Sorry, I did not mean to speak for so long.”

“Logan… That’s…” Patton trailed off, shaking his head. “I am really really sorry about that. It wasn’t nice of me to tease you, especially for so long. And I had no idea you were feeling that way. I can’t believe I never even noticed. If you want, I can have a strong fatherly talk with everyone about it. You deserve to feel wanted and cared about.”

Logan sighed. “I appreciate the offer, but that won’t be necessary Patton.”

Patton frowned. “Are you sure? I would do anything to make sure everyone is getting along okay.”

“I know you would. I promise I can deal with it myself.”

"Okay, but only if you're sure... Just know I'm always here for you."

Logan hummed softly, seemingly wanting to change the topic. “Patton, do you really want to fade?”

Patton stiffened. It suddenly dawned on him why the two of them were even in this position in the first place. All because Patton couldn't keep it together and had a stupid meltdown, like a spoiled little child. He slowly pulled himself out of their hug, wrapping his own arms around his torso and keeping his eyes fixed on the ground. Logan had been honest with him about his problems, so Patton felt like he shouldn't lie. Yet, it was difficult to admit the truth. How does one talk about wanting to not exist? 

“Well," Patton started, eyes darting back and forth nervously. "I guess, sometimes.”

The following silence between the two was deafening. Patton felt himself starting to tear up again, even though his eyes were stinging from all of the crying he did earlier.

“I-I know you probably think it’s illogical and dumb. But I just can’t stop thinking about it. I’ve been trying to hide it because sometimes I just get so sad and mad that I start crying and yelling. It’s dumb. I really didn’t want you guys to be upset at me for being like this. I'm supposed to be your Happy Pappy Patton. I'm supposed to take care of you." 

"And then, I came into the kitchen because I was thinking about bad things last night and I couldn’t sleep at all. But then I was hungry and I can't remember the last time I actually ate. I swear I just was trying to get something to eat. I saw the knife though and I think if you hadn’t come in... I think-”

Logan raised his hand when Patton couldn't continue on. He understood what the other was trying to stay with their scattered rant.

“Patton," Logan said, eyes intense. "It is not dumb. Depression isn’t dumb. Wanting to harm yourself isn't dumb. Wanting to fade away isn’t dumb. How long have you been feeling this way?"

“I don’t even know, honestly. It’s been a while now. I really thought that things were going to get better after talking to Thomas about the breakup, but it just... didn’t. I’m so sorry.”

Patton sniffled once again, exhausted. This time there were no more tears left to cry.

“Hey," Logan said, seeming to sense the moral Side's sadness. "We will get through this.”

Patton sniffled. “W-we?”

Logan gently grabbed Patton's hand, interlocking their fingers together. The gesture made Patton's heart speed up, although he wasn't sure why.

“Yes, we. Roman, Virgil, and I all want you to be happy. We want you to be safe. We care about you. After all, we are your… Fam?”

Patton chuckled wetly. Logan's awkward use of new slang never failed to get a smile out of him. "I-I know." 

“Nobody here wants you to fade. We need you to stay because we, uh…”

Logan's face suddenly turned redder than Roman's sash. Patton blinked in confusion.

“We L-lo-love you,” he said, the words sounding foreign and clumsy on his tongue.

Patton gasped, before letting out a small squeal. “Ohhhh, my gosh! Logan, you actually said it!”

"Yes, well," he coughed, flustered. "This is a special case. And you had better not tell anyone!”

"But Logannnn," he started, only to be cut off by the sound of footsteps rushing towards the kitchen. The two instantly turned their heads towards the doorframe.

Virgil poked his head into the kitchen, face scrunched up in concern. “Hey, is everything cool in here? Me and Princey heard a bunch of shout-”

Virgil's eyes immediately locked onto the pair who were lying on the floor, hands intertwined. His eyebrows raised in shock, before Roman came charging into the kitchen right behind Virgil. The Prince looked ready to fight, hand hovering over the hilt of his sword. However, upon realizing that there was no fighting, he joined in on the gawking session that Virgil had started.

"Ohh, are we interrupting something?" Roman winked.

Somehow, Logan's face managed to turn an even darker shade of red. "Wh- No, we were just...! I mean," he stammered, almost incoherently. Roman began howling and Virgil rolled his eyes with a smirk on his face. 

Patton giggled, something precious and sweet bubbling up in his chest. It wasn't long before he found himself laughing, really laughing, at the situation. He felt so happy in that moment, surrounded by all the people who loved him. His feelings only increased when Logan surprisingly did not let go of his hand, despite the logical Side being obviously embarrassed.

"But seriously, everything's alright with you two?" Virgil finally asked once the commotion had died down.

Patton and Logan looked at one another. 

“Yeah," Patton beamed. "I think things are going to turn out just fine.”


End file.
